During the course of the last few weeks I've had a lot of time to ruminate.
Rumination is not a normal part of my life or my vocabulary. Oh yes, I know the word, it's meaning, can give you several synonyms, and use it properly in a sentence, but that's not what I mean. Generally, my life doesn't involve ruminating. A normal thought process for me is to consider the aspects of something and how they affect me, put the completed thought in an unused corner of my mind, and immediately move on to the "next" something.
However, in the last few months I've been working (mostly by myself) on simple tasks that keep my hands busy, but not my mind. 3 weeks ago, the thought hit me, "I'm exactly where I am today because this is where God wanted me to be." That's when I began to ruminate.
I've considered many aspects of my life, the watershed events, the close calls, the "hunches" I've acted upon - all of them - there's no other rational explanation (except God) for me being right where I am. These are my "top 3" examples:
First, a most unlikely watershed. I spent approximately 3 minutes sitting on a cold, hard concrete bench, talking, and eating a (delicious) brownie outside Paden Hall a few weeks before Christmas break in 1991. That exact moment, I wasn't discussing or dwelling on my plans, goals, aspirations, and dreams; I surely wasn't planning on drastically changing my life to what it is today, either. I had MUCH different plans then. At the time, I didn't even know a milestone had passed. Those 3 short minutes changed the course of my entire life.
What happened in those few minutes? I'd just come to the realization that I was (for the first time) genuinely
in love with a young lady. Oh yes, I'd had "crushes" on several little girls growing up, but they were based on how pretty or nice the girls were. This time, however, I could have listed reams of things I
loved about this particular young lady; I thought she was everything and more any man on earth could have ever wanted. That being the first time the realization of love had fogged my intellect so completely with my emotions, I was a messed-up combination of afraid, embarrassed, unsure, shy, and about 10 other traits. It ended because I couldn't quite work up the nerve to say those fateful 3 words, but she said she, "Knew exactly what I was trying to say." Obviously, she did not; she thought I was dumping her and no matter how hard I tried, never spoke to me again. I cried myself to sleep for months, and for many years afterward I prayed (daily) that she would find the man God wanted for her. (I'm not sure, but was told she eventually married a preacher.)
The "second-most life-changing moment" (a very close 2nd, too) was caused a few years after the previous one by me; I listened to a few other guys in my Greek that were unwilling to forfeit a flag football game. The events that followed led to a series of snafus that are almost unbelievable. (Also in that list of mistakes, was losing the chance to get to know the "2nd girl I ever loved" a little better.) I was still in mourning for the first girl, but had recently come to the realization of the quality in this second lady, and my desire to know her better. Funny I can remember that exact moment -- all the problems I caused myself, her, and others, yet somehow... I've forgotten the name of my Greek. Guess I should dig out a yearbook.
Both these events led to years of regret, heartache, and countless hours of prayer - Me asking God to change things back to how they were -- impossible for me -- undesirable to God's purposes. While painful to live through, both events were necessary to get me to south Florida, stay here, and marry my wife.
The third was the "closest" close call -- a lightning strike. I used to be one of those fools that didn't know when to go inside -- not anymore. It was the summer of 1996, I never heard the lightning hit, and don't know exactly where it did hit. Was it the 4" of water in which I was standing? somewhere on the length of the hundreds of feet the fence on which I was working? or the 300' tall radio tower (most likely) that was only 100~150' away and standing in the same huge lake-of-a-puddle that I was? (I did say "fool" remember?)
I do know that I was swinging my hammer when I heard the air crackle -- that was all I heard: a crackling like a huge candy wrapper in the sky. I awakened lying flat on my back -- my feet were 6 feet behind the spot I last remembered standing, my 23 ounce framing hammer had fallen straight down (in mid-swing) from where it had been when I was swinging it, and I was totally paralyzed for 2 or 3 seconds -- a few seconds that felt like an eternity.
Needless to say, lightning of any kind still gives me the willies today.
I could type other things like this as well, but suffice it to say, if any one thing in my life, of hundreds, perhaps thousands, had been even
slightly different, I would be somewhere else in the world, or dead. Worse, I'd never have met my lovely wife, certainly never married her, and my three wonderful blessings from God (our children) would never have existed.
In my hours of indwelling ruminations, I've come to realize that I have no "hard feelings" for either of those first two girls, but the "love" (that was so real to me then) has faded and completely changed into something entirely different. While I'd still enjoy "hanging out" with them, or talking to them and their husbands, if thoughts of either come to mind, I view them as sisters. The love for my wife however, has exceeded even the "lofty heights" I thought I'd attained when I knew them.
Sometimes, I still wonder what God was teaching the others who lived through these events with me. Was it as necessary for them as it was for me? Or did my hard-headed stubborn nature put them through situations and problems they didn't need to experience? (I hope not; sorry if you were one.) I also know there is a slight possibility that one day one (or maybe even both) of these ladies may read this post; I hope they would accept my sincerest apologies for my cowardice, and know that I'm truly sorry for all of the heartbreak I probably caused them.
Anyway, I guess I'll have to wait until I get to heaven to ask God why my plans weren't quite as "great" as I thought they were at the time.
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